Knockoff
by sunday-tea
Summary: What if the roles were switched at the end of "Knockout", and Beckett was in Castle's position? Continues after the finale and on to what I'd like to see happen in season four.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

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><p>The breeze pulled small strands loose from Beckett's bun, softly tickling her cheeks as she gave her eulogy.<p>

"Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight," she said soundly. "And even if there is…"

Before she could process what was happening, Castle was shouting her name and diving towards her. The impact of him knocked her onto the ground to the left of the podium. A gunshot cracked through the hushed air. She heard people screaming, but she couldn't hear Castle. Her heart immediately dropped and her stomach sank, as if filled with lead. This could not be happening, after all they'd just been through. There had to be a limit to the tragedy. She scrambled up and dashed over to Castle, looking him over.

For a brief, fleeting moment she thought he was merely in shock, since she saw no blood. His hand grabbed hers, and her white glove turned crimson. He was hit. With the bullet that was meant for her. She cradled his head, stroking his face.

"Castle, Castle, don't leave me, don't you dare leave me," she choked, refusing to let herself cry when he needed her most. "Stay awake. You need to stay awake," she ordered him, though it sounded more like a plea, even to her own ears. He stared at her, rapidly losing consciousness. She silently willed him to stay awake, as if the more intently she stared at him, the more successful her attempt would be. _What would he do if it was her?_ He would tell her to stay with him, slip in an "always", maybe remind her that he thought she was extraordinary, and he certainly wouldn't be calling her Beckett. He would let her know how much she meant to him. He wouldn't be a coward about it, either. He would make sure that she knew just how much he cared. He would tell her, because he wasn't he one trying to hide from it.

Lanie came running over, pushing the detective aside as she tended to the wound. Beckett kneeled on the ground beside Castle's head, her hands in her lap. His eyes darted in the direction of her movement, shattering whatever was left of her heart into a thousand little pieces.

"Ambulance is on its way," the medical examiner told Beckett, apologies pooling in her eyes. "Hold his hand," she ordered the detective softly. Beckett obliged, grasping Castle's hand in her own. His eyes closed. _Shit._

Beckett swallowed, as if she could swallow her terror. She looked out into the crowd, praying the ambulance would make it time. She noticed that Ryan and Esposito were nowhere to be seen. _They went after him,_ she realized. Oh, God. His family. They had seen it. His own mother and daughter. She looked for them, and spotted them with her dad. Her dad! Jim Beckett had an arm around each of the two redheads, consoling them. She realized he was trying to keep them away from the gruesomeness. She felt a twinge in her chest, realizing this wasn't the first time her father had been in this situation.

The siren of the ambulance pierced through the sickeningly calm air. It seemed to summon everyone, Ryan and Esposito appearing from the middle of the cemetery and Jim, Martha, and Alexis hurrying over to where Castle was.

"I'm sorry," Esposito said to Martha. "We tried to get him."

Castle's mother waved her hand at him in a "nonsense" motion, squeezing his hand in thanks.

"We'll drive Martha and Alexis," Ryan said as the EMT's approached. "And your dad. You and Lanie go with him."

The two detectives carted off Castle's family. Jim Beckett squeezed his daughter's shoulder as he passed. "He'll be okay. He's got too much to live for," he told her steadily. She nodded, the lump in her throat becoming larger. The paramedics lifted Castle onto the stretcher, Lanie's hands still on his chest. Beckett followed behind. She felt utterly helpless. She sat beside him as Lanie conferred with the paramedics, the three of them not paying any attention to Kate or Castle.

She swore she felt his hand move a miniscule amount in hers as the ambulance drove off. Her breath caught in her throat. He had to know.

"I love you," she whispered, barely audible. "I love you."

_**Three months later**_

Kate would never get used to the paparazzi snapping pictures of her as she arrived at these things. It was the early premiere party for _Heat Rises, _and Kate was feeling particularly sullen. Castle had only been back to work for a few weeks, and was already running around putting himself in harm's way again. She was far too selfish to send him away for good and he refused to sit out their dangerous cases. She constantly worried about him. Her doctor said she was getting an ulcer and needed to relax. _Doctor_.

The cherry on top of the evening's cake was Josh's presence. He had operated on Castle after the shooting and aided in his recovery. As a result, Castle and his family now _liked _Josh, and had invited him to the premiere, insisting that he come. Josh had a mutual newfound liking for Castle, since he had saved Beckett's life. Kate couldn't help but feel they liked Josh more than she did, most of the time. She knew she was digging her own grave at this point, continuing her relationship with him. She was so caught up in her denial that there seemed to be no point in trying to turn things around. She had reasoned her words to Castle that day in the ambulance as the result of her fear of losing him. He hadn't heard her, anyway. He hadn't said anything, and she was sure he would have wanted to discuss it if he had.

Kate and Josh entered the Plaza Hotel's grand ballroom, tastefully decorated with soft strings of white lights and life-size silhouettes of the characters from the Nikki Heat series. She spotted Ryan and Esposito at the bar with Lanie and Jenny. Castle was nowhere to be seen. She and Josh joined the others, nursing drinks while they waited for Castle to give his address. Beckett slipped away to the foyer, a little too annoyed by how chummy Josh seemed with her friends. A few months before, he had wanted nothing to do with her work life. She knew she should have been happy that he was making an effort, but it only made her irritated with him. He didn't have a place in this part of her life.

She was pretending to admire some of the artwork on the walls when she felt someone approach her from behind. She spun around a little too quickly, reaching instinctively to where her gun would normally be (it was tucked in her clutch), unable to rid herself of the paranoia that death was always right behind her, waiting for her.

"Hey," Castle said simply, pretending to not notice her reaction. She knew he worried about her. He was trying to give her what she wanted and let her take care of it herself. So he chose to ignore it. "You look stunning."

Kate could feel herself blushing, thankful for the low light. She knew the form-fitting black dress she had on was flattering; Lanie had told her so when she picked it out. Even though Josh had complimented her on it when he picked her up earlier, it always felt different when Castle made a comment about her. He was so honest, so raw.

She had to smile. "Thanks. You look pretty sharp, too." And he did. Her eyes involuntarily roamed over his figure, smartly dressed in one of his signature designer suits, eyes shining brightly and a broad grin on his face. For someone who didn't know, it was impossible to tell that three months earlier he had almost died right in front of her.

"I got you something," Castle told her, pulling a present out from behind his back. It was oddly book-shaped.

"Thanks, Castle." Kate tucked the neatly wrapped gift under her arm.

"Well, open it! Don't pretend you're not interested."

Before she could, however, Paula came up to Castle, stealing him away.

"Hey, there, Kate. Come on, Ricky, everyone's waiting," she said, pulling his arm.

"All right, all right," he said, yanking his arm free and following after Paula. "Open it," he mouthed at Beckett, and winked at her as he disappeared into the ballroom.

Kate smiled and shook her head, carefully tearing the paper off the present. She wasn't surprised to find a copy of _Heat Rises _inside the gift box, but the gesture still warmed her heart. She ran her hand along the spine as she heard the guests clap for Castle in the ballroom. She opened the book as she walked towards the room, leaning against the doorway. She half-listened as he thanked everyone for coming, flipping through the pages. An excited shiver passed through her. She'd read the basic manuscript, but Castle had told her he'd made some changes to the plot. She couldn't wait to get home and slip into a hot bath with the novel in her hands. She would never ask him to do it again, but the night after Montgomery had been killed, Castle had stayed up with her on the phone all night, reading excerpts of his books to her until she fell asleep. Now, whenever she read his work, she heard it in his voice, telling her a story to take her mind off the reality for a few hours at a time.

"… and of course, I wouldn't be here today if not for the wonderful people at the 12th precinct. It's been a rough year, but we've pulled through." He caught her eye at the back of the room, continuing his speech.

"Lastly, I'd like to give a special thanks to the lovely Detective Katherine Beckett. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. Thank you, Kate, and I meant every word of the dedication."

Kate gave him a look and flipped open to the first page of the book.

_In remembrance of Captain Roy Montgomery.  
>To KB, a mystery I'll never solve, and my one-writer girl. Always.<em>

She smiled, blinking back the emotion prickling at the corners of her eyes. Castle's handwriting caught her attention at the bottom of the page.

_Three extraordinary years and counting. I hope there's many more to come. I've got your back, always, even when you don't want me to. You're absolutely exquisite and I learn something new from you every day._

Now she couldn't help it. She wiped away a traitorous tear that escaped her eye, scanning the crowd for Castle. She had to go thank him.

"There you are," Josh said, coming up beside her. "What're you reading?"

"Nothing," Kate answered quickly, snapping the book shut. "Just looking over a copy of Castle's book."

"That was nice of him," Josh remarked, taking the novel from her hands. "Maybe I can read some of it to you later?" He encircled his arms around her waist, pulling her close for a quick hug.

Beckett felt like she was being burned alive. Castle saw her in Josh's embrace and gave her one of those "wow, after all that and you still chose him" fake smiles. She thought she might throw up. She was ecstatic when her phone rang, a welcome distraction.

"Beckett."

The captain was on the other line, informing her of a murder. It still saddened her to pick up her phone and not hear Captain Montgomery's voice greeting her.

"Got it. On my way."

"Work?" Josh asked, looking dejected.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just gonna go myself, and let Ryan and Esposito have fun."

"Kate, no. Take someone with you."

"Josh. I'll be fine."

"I'll go with you," Castle said from behind the couple.

"This is your party, Castle," Kate pointed out.

"I'm not in much of a party mood, actually."

"Great, 'cause I have to run, too. Guy just came in and needs triple bypass," Josh said, glancing down at his phone. "I'll see you tomorrow. Love you!" He placed a peck on Kate's cheek.

With that, Beckett found herself standing awkwardly with Castle, who was giving her "I want to talk" eyes. God, she really should have finished that drink.

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><p>I know you've probably read a thousand like it already, but what do you think? Should I continue?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

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><p>Beckett and Castle crept along 9th Ave, the buzz of the city's nightlife starting to emerge.<p>

"Where are we going?" Castle asked.

"Meatpacking district," Beckett answered bluntly, feeling his eyes on her bare legs. Her outfit suddenly felt wildly inappropriate. It actually was inappropriate. Captain Slater would have her head if she saw her dressed like this on the job. Montgomery's successor was a by-the-book, mostly humorless and thoroughly frightening middle-aged woman. She was nice enough, providing the detectives with the resources they needed, but the 12th seemed lifeless without Montgomery's friendly, fatherly aura about it. No one really laughed at work anymore. Besides Castle, of course.

Slater wasn't his biggest fan. The first day he had returned after the shooting, she'd told him to get out. He'd eventually been permitted to stay, after Beckett made elaborate protests in his favor. He was "walking on thin ice", though, according to the captain. Slater monitored his every move, and was just waiting for the action that would allow her to remove Castle from the 12th permanently. That was another contributing factor to Beckett's ulcer. She'd either a) never see him at work again, or b) never see him again at all because he was going to get killed.

"Listen, Beckett. About the dedication…" he began as they waited at a red light.

"You meant it. I know. It was very sweet," Kate reassured him, though her words weren't very convincing, even to her own ears.

He looked over to her, and she turned her head in his direction. "Can we talk about it?" he asked, voice filled with emotion. Beckett's mind was slowly going blank. The fact that Castle had such an influence over her was terrifying. She knew they were going to have to address the unspoken elephant in the room sooner or later, but she preferred later, preferably when she could think straight.

"What's there to talk about?" Kate asked, playing dumb and turning back to the road as the light changed.

Beckett saw Castle's hand move towards hers that was resting on the transmission. Her brain instinctively drew it back up to the wheel. She saw the disappointment written on his face and instantly felt bad.

"Castle, look…" she began as someone jumped across the hood of her car as she parked along the street at the crime scene. The guy stopped to look at the car he'd just cleared, and booked it. Beckett jumped out, running after the young man.

"Go talk to Perlmutter!" she called after him as ran after the guy. Her form-fitting dress made it difficult, and she quickly ripped a slit along one side to allow her legs more movement. It was useless. She should have been more surprised when Castle ran up alongside her.

"Which way?" he asked.

"Around the corner."

Castle nodded and started to run off after him.

"Wait!" Beckett shouted. She handed him an extra pair of handcuffs and a small gun.

"Where did you even fit that?" he asked, clearly baffled by the small confines of her clutch.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She smirked. "Now go. If you get him, don't move. Just wait for me."

He looked at her earnestly, reveling in the trust that she'd just bestowed in him. She gave him a curt nod, acknowledging her permission. He took off a moment later. Beckett went back to the car and steered the Crown Vic in Castle's direction as quickly as she could. She spotted him in the parking lot of one of the packing plants, looking proud of himself. She couldn't help but smile as she approached him.

"Nice work, Castle," Beckett said, forcing the suspect towards the car.

"So I get to do this all the time now, right?"

She rolled her eyes as they drove back to the crime scene, the perp silent in the backseat. Beckett locked him in the car as she and Castle approached Perlmutter, who was hovering over a young blonde woman. Kate felt her stomach drop. The style was all too familiar. She saw Castle tense beside her.

"Cause of death was strangulation, as you can probably tell," the medical examiner told them as they approached, not looking up.

"With rope?" Beckett asked.

"Yes, it appears so. We'll have to check for fibers, but the markings on the neck look consistent."

The victim was laid out peacefully. Too peacefully. Beckett felt she was experiencing déjà vu.

"It's the Triple Killer," Castle whispered. Beckett's heart swelled with compassion. She knew the case was still sensitive for him. She placed comforting hand on his forearm.

"What was that?" Perlmutter asked.

"The Triple Killer. This looks like his work. He's back."

"Mr. Castle, strangulation is a fairly common form of murder. Just because-"

"No, he's right," Beckett interjected. "Look at the way the body is laid out. He's been quiet for a while. It makes sense."

"Don't jump to any conclusions. There's still a lot that needs to be tested," Perlmutter pointed out, but his opinion seemed to be swaying as well. "I'll call Slater."

Beckett nodded, heading back towards the car. "Come on, Castle. I'll drop you off at home. Slater's going to want to interview that guy herself."

"Kate…" he said, still several paces behind her.

"I know." She linked arms with him, as they made their way back to the car together, the muggy air holding much more suspense than it should have.

**_Later that day_**

The smell of Chinese food filled Beckett's nostrils as Castle approached. She frowned. It was one in the morning. He should have been saying goodbye to the last of his guests at the premiere party before heading home with Martha and Alexis. Yet, she had no intentions of telling him to leave.

"Brought you dinner, since you missed out on it," he informed her as he placed the cartons on her desk.

"So did you."

"Touché."

Beckett stuck her tongue out at him and turned her attention to the food. "I would've eaten when I got home, you know. You didn't have to come feed me."

"You wouldn't have gone home," he answered simply. "And you're welcome."

Castle was quiet. Kate knew he was remembering what had happened the last time they were after the Triple Killer. She wished she could offer some words of comfort, but she was terrible at consoling people. She had a hard enough time expressing her feelings in general, never mind sharing them such in a way that helped others relate to her.

"We're gonna get him this time," she supplied. It was the best she could come up with.

He smiled at her sadly. "I know we will."

"Actually, Detective Beckett will," Captain Slater said from behind them. Beckett's crab rangoon fell out of her hand as she jumped a mile.

"Captain Slater, uh, what are you still doing here?" she asked, pretending to look more focused on her work than she was.

"Same as you. Looking over files on Tyson. Sorry to break up your dinner party, but Mr. Castle, you're going to have to sit this one out. You're much too connected to the case."

"But ma'am, Castle was the one who…"

"I realize that he was very helpful last time around. But we can't risk jeopardizing the investigation."

"Captain Slater, if you'd just-"

"Thank you, Katherine, but that's enough."

Kate immediately shrank back. No one called her by her full name when they were upset with her, not even her father.

"You understand, don't you, Mr. Castle?"

"Absolutely," he agreed, giving her one of his best fake smiles. "Whatever you need."

"Right," the captain said, obviously not moved by his fake sincerity. "Good night."

Kate waited until the older woman was out of earshot before speaking again. "This doesn't mean anything. We can still confer over the phone, or I can come by after work."

"No, that's okay. I actually-"

Beckett cut him off. "Or Ryan and Esposito can brief you when I'm busy. We'll make it work."

"Beckett."

"You could always just text me, or what's that other thing you use, Twitter, you can tweet me-"

"Kate."

She looked at him.

"I actually planned on staying away from this. That's what I came back to tell you."

"What? Why?"

"She's right, I'm too close to it."

"Like that's ever stopped either one of us before."

"Well, that's only part of it."

"What's the other part?"

"I… I promised Alexis I'd step it down. She's been having a lot of trouble with… with what happened in May."

Kate stared at him blankly.

"She's convinced I'm going to throw myself into it even more once she leaves for school. Which she's right, I probably will. Until then, she asked me to take it easy."

_She wants time with you before she leaves because she thinks you're going to die. _"Castle, I had no idea…"

"I didn't either."

"It's my fault."

"Kate…"

"If I hadn't kept pushing, none of this would have happened. I should've listened to you, I should've walked away."

"No. I was wrong. I was being selfish. If you hadn't, Lockwood would still be alive."

"So would Roy." Castle swallowed and continued to stare at her. "You weren't being selfish, you were being logical."

"This is what you're supposed to be doing. You're a detective, a great one. I'm not. It's time I realized that."

"Don't say that."

"What?"

"After all that we've done, how can you say that? Everything we've solved together? You don't think that means something?"

"Of course it does, I just think-"

"This is what you're supposed to be doing, too. I don't want to do it without you."

The earnestness of her words surprised them both. Castle kept his eyes on hers. She knew he was trying to read her. He reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. Kate could feel the emotion he was trying to convey to her. She hoped she was effectively reciprocating it.

"I should go. It's late."

"See you tomorrow? At some point?"

"Yes, see you tomorrow."

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><p>Thank you all for reviewing! I'm so glad to hear you like where I'm going with this so far. Bear with me, I know it's kind of slow right now but I know where I want to take it!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

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><p>Beckett struggled with the desk fan she was trying to assemble. The 12th was sweltering with the August heat, and the crude air conditioning was doing her no favors. The heat was only making her foul mood worse. Another body had turned up earlier that morning, only a few hours after she'd left the precinct from her interrupted takeout dinner with Castle. The lack of sleep and miserable heat combined with the extra stress of the case had made her highly irritable. Plus, she kept looking over to the empty chair by her desk, expecting Castle to arrive any moment, only to remember that he wasn't allowed to help her work the case.<p>

"Yo, Beckett, that thing is never gonna work with no batteries," Esposito told her as he approached her desk, nodding towards the fan.

She glared at him. "Please tell me you came over here with good news."

"Maybe. Our two vics had something in common. Both pre-law students at Columbia."

"Go interview the other students with Ryan and find out if anything weird has been going on," Beckett told him. She pretended not to notice Captain Slater approaching her desk, and put her head back down.

"You got it," Esposito called after her as he walked away.

"Detective Beckett, how's it coming?" Slater asked her, towering over her desk.

"Ryan and Esposito are found a connection they're going to check out. I'm still looking over his financials," Beckett answered, not looking up.

"I see. You, know, Kate, if you don't think you can handle this, I can assign someone else to it."

_The nerve of this woman_. Kate balled one of her hands into a fist under her desk. "No, I've got it."

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

_I hate my life. _Kate sighed angrily and smoothed her ponytail, strands coming loose and sticking to her neck in the oppressively humid air. She was tempted to cut it all off again. Thunder rumbled in the distance, promising rain and relief. She was still pouring over Tyson's financial records for incoming transfers when her phone buzzed with a new message. Figuring it must have been Castle inquiring about how things were going, she immediately picked it up.

The text from Josh was short and to the point. _Dinner at seven? _

Disappointed, she answered back curtly. It was already six thirty. _Probably not. Can't finish this in a half hour._

He replied within a few minutes. _Meet you at your place later then? I'll let myself in?_

_ Okay._

She definitely shouldn't have been so upset over the fact that it was her boyfriend texting her and not Castle. _Reason number 4,359 this relationship is way past its expiration date,_ she thought. She'd end it soon, Beckett vowed to herself. She owed it to herself and Josh, but mostly to Castle. Even if she wasn't ready to address what was going on between them, it wasn't fair to any of them to keep the dashing doctor hanging around much longer. That was the argument she had been using since spring. Yet, somehow her relationship with Josh was still dragging its way along. She rubbed her temples, trying to focus on the task at hand. She would deal with everything else later, preferably over a cold beer.

_Focus_, Kate commanded herself. Why would Jerry Tyson want to target seemingly random pre-law students at an ivy-league school? They were fairly high-profile victims, coming from powerful families who could afford to retaliate. It didn't make any sense. He had to be trying to tell them something. It had to be part of a plan. A plan that they needed to figure out before it reached its final stages. She needed Castle to come up with elaborate theories with her to get the ball rolling. She looked at her phone and went to grab it, then hesitated. _Oh, hell with it._

"Beckett!"

"Hey, Castle. You busy?"

"Very. Organizing my china collection."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping you'd meet me for a drink at this great little bar I know."

"I might be able to make time. Old Haunt in twenty?"

"See you there."

Beckett hung up and strolled out of the bullpen. She stopped in the bathroom, grateful to be shedding her work attire and slipping into the lighter clothes she'd brought. The simple cotton t-shirt and jeans felt blissful after spending the day in her slacks and polyester blouse. She walked outside, the air heavy with the threat of rain. She decided to walk the few blocks to the bar, semi-hoping she would get caught in the downpour. Beckett felt like she was forgetting something, but brushed it off.

The Old Haunt was quiet when Kate entered it, only a few patrons sipping drinks at the counter. She spotted Castle at their usual table, a cold beer waiting for her across from him. He smiled up at her from his phone as he saw her approaching.

"Hey. How was work?"

"You mean, how did I survive without you?"

He gave her a nonchalant shrug.

"Terrible, but I just managed to pull through," Beckett joked.

"Interesting, since you're the one who suggested this little meeting so you could hear my input."

"Shut up," she immediately said. "What are you thinking?" she asked a few seconds later.

Castle flashed her a wicked grin before speaking. "This pre-law thing means something. Maybe he's trying to get back at a prosecutor, or someone who landed him in prison."

"But that worked out to his advantage, remember? He was hiding."

"Someone who hurt him the foster system, then. Someone in the legal system who placed him in one of those abusive homes?"

"We don't know for sure if that's even true."

"Beckett, come on. You should have seen him when I was saying all that to him. It was written all over his face."

Kate frowned. "If you think so. I'll start looking into it when I get back."

"You're not going back tonight, are you?"

She tried and failed to hide her intention. "No."

"Good, because we both know you need some sleep."

"God, Castle. You're worse than my dad."

He smiled. "Detective Beckett, you flatter me."

She grinned back at him, taking a sip of her drink. She sighed and held her face in her hands for a moment, the wear of the day catching up with her. Thunder rumbled, the storm descending upon Manhattan as the last few customers left the Old Haunt to hurry home before the downpour.

"I feel so useless," Castle admitted to her. His voice was low and heavy in the silence of the bar. "I wish I could be there."

Kate gave him a sad smile. "I don't."

He looked taken aback, his brow furrowing in displeasure.

"Not like that. I'm just glad you're not in the middle of it, you know?"

"You and Alexis have that in common, then."

Beckett went silent for a minute. "I'm so sorry she had to see that," she said quietly.

Castle waited until she looked up to catch her gaze before he spoke. "You couldn't have stopped it. Don't even start," he added, noticing she was opening her mouth to protest.

"It was terrible, Castle. I felt like I was reliving that night," Kate said instead, referring to her mother's murder. Her words were barely audible over the pitter-patter of the heavy rain on the sidewalk outside.

"I'm not going anywhere," Castle reassured her, taking her hand in his.

Beckett looked at their intertwined hands, not saying anything.

"I heard you," Castle told Kate in a wavering voice. She looked up at his face. He looked nervous.

"What?"

"In the ambulance. I heard you," he almost whispered.

Beckett stared at him, panicking. Her mind was going blank once again, like yesterday in the car. "Rick, I…"

But Castle wasn't listening, she realized. He was staring at her lips. Her brain was screaming warning signals as he leaned towards her across the table. The phrase "this is wrong" flashed in Kate's head in sync with the lightning as he cupped her face with one hand. She didn't care. It felt so _right_. He'd heard her. His breath was warm and inviting against her mouth. The smell of him pushed over the edge, the faintest traces of beer mixing with his distinct "Castle" scent. It was impossible deny how much she wanted him. She closed her eyes, surrendering the last of her willpower, and Castle's warm lips brushed lightly against her corner of her mouth. She shivered, eagerly anticipating…

Her phone vibrated with an incoming call, startling both of them. She cursed Josh's picture on the caller ID a thousand times over.

"Hello?" she answered breathlessly, immediately realizing how it must have sounded. It sounded like what it was. There was no way around what she had just been doing, and enjoying.

"What… where are you? I've been here since eight thirty."

She looked at the clock. It was nine thirty. She'd completely forgotten she was supposed to meet him at her apartment after work. "I was, uh, I was just talking some things over with Castle."

"Well, can't it wait? I really want to see you, Katie." She could hear the frown in his voice, and shuddered at his use of her pet name.

"Um, yeah. I'm on my way." She hung up and turned to Castle, who was staring at her desperately, still sitting in the booth.

"I'm so sorry."

"Are you?"

"Excuse me?"

"I don't know what to think at this point."

She tried to put her mess into words. "Rick, it's not that easy-"

"It's actually very easy, Kate." He stood up, walking towards the door.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she countered, following behind him. They stepped outside onto the sidewalk, the last of the thunder rolling off. Cars swished by on the wet street.

"It means maybe it's a good thing I won't be around much until next month. Maybe that will make things 'easier' for you."

"You know that-"

"There's nothing else to say. I'll get you a cab."

"I'll walk," Kate said, spinning on her heel and walking away from him, feeling that even though she was the one going home to someone and he was alone with his empty bar, she was the one with less.

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><p>Thank you all so much for your kind reviews! I promise that the next two chapters are the last you'll see of Josh, and that things are going to get better for our favorite duo. :)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry it took so long to update this! Graduation got in the way. :/ Expect more frequent updates from now on!_

Chapter 4

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><p>Rain swept across Kate's window the next morning as her alarm screamed at her unrelentingly. She groaned, turning over in bed and putting the pillow over her head. Normally, she had little trouble getting up for work, her motivation driving her to get out of bed and begin her day. Today was different. She knew not to expect Castle to call her during work or to be up for a meeting afterwards. The rain had only cooled the city off by a few degrees, leaving it muggy and damp. The combination made staying in bed all day with the lights off seem quite appealing to Beckett. She allotted herself an extra five minutes in bed, something she never did.<p>

The shrill ring of her cell phone pierced Kate's few minutes of silence. She groped around the nightstand for it and answered in a groggy voice, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Beckett."

"Honey? You sound terrible."

Kate shot up in bed, tossing the covers aside. "Lanie, hi. What do you have for me?" she said, hoping her voice didn't sound nearly as raspy to Lanie as it did to her.

"Have you been _crying_?"

_Dammit, Lanie_, Kate thought to herself as she quickly picked through her closet. Her friend knew her too well; there was now absolutely no point in denying that something had happened. "Uh, I'll tell you after work, okay? Now what's going on?"

The medical examiner sighed audibly on the other line. "There's another body. Ryan and Javi are already here, so why don't you take a shower first, and try to forget about him before you come in?"

Kate stopped her search for a lightweight blouse. "I don't know what you're-"

"Oh, honey, please. We'll see you soon."

Kate sighed and placed her phone down on the bathroom sink, letting the steam of the shower overtake her.

**_Later that morning_**

A few hours later, Beckett was staring so hard at the murder board, it was a wonder she hadn't drilled holes in it with her stone-hard glare. It just really didn't add up at this point. Another body had turned up hours after the first. Four victims, all young, female undergraduate students at Columbia University. Other than their choice of school and major, they had nothing in common. The other students said they weren't friends, and their families had no connections to each other, two of the them living in New York City, and the others in Illinois and South Carolina.

The victims were a little too high-profile for Tyson's taste, and they appeared to have no relation to his previous foster families. He was obviously trying to tell them something, and this was all part of some sick master plan. Beckett wanted to kick herself for not having figured out was that was yet.

"Detective Beckett, do you have a minute?" Captain Slater asked, startling Kate.

"Of course," she replied through gritted teeth, following the older woman to the office. Kate and Ryan and Esposito referred to it "the office" rather than "her office"; Montgomery's presence was still strong in the small room.

"Have a seat," Slater said, motioning towards the chair in front of her desk. Kate couldn't help but think that Roy had never made her sit when he had to speak to her. She sat down in the hard-backed chair, feeling that the Captain's icy blue eyes were cutting straight through her.

"I'm concerned about your ability to deal with this case."

"Excuse me?"

"I know you're having some trouble adjusting to working without Castle, and this case is very close to him."

"I'm fine."

"I know you are, it's just that I'm worried about the efficiency-"

"You think I'm too traumatized to solve this."

"Now, that's not what I said-"

"You can say it, you know. Just say, 'Kate, I don't think you're capable of doing this.' Get to the point," Beckett snapped.

Something in Slater's face softened. "You're a very skilled detective. You're a star and everyone knows it."

Beckett let the compliment diffuse through the air, refusing to absorb it.

The older woman smiled softly. "But you don't always have to be so strong, Kate. No one will think less of you."

Kate stared wordlessly at the captain, not knowing how to respond to her brief display of kindness.

"Dr. Parish wants to speak with you, and then I want you to go home."

"Why?"

"Because you've been here for a while, and you're not making any progress. It's not doing you or the case any good."

Beckett bit her tongue. Sitting in silence seemed to be her theme today.

"After tomorrow, if you haven't come any closer, I think it would be best to assign the case to someone else."

"You're kicking me off my own case?" Kate asked blankly.

"Only if you can't-"

Beckett stood up and walked out, reasoning it was better than screaming a line of expletives. Slater didn't call after her. Beckett grabbed her wallet and keys and simply walked out of the precinct. Without really knowing what she was doing, she drove to Lanie's office. The warm gray day had settled a blanket of uncomfortable humidity over the streets of the city. She parked her Crown Vic along the street and hurried inside, eager to escape the heat.

Beckett let herself in and leaned against the doorway of the morgue, where Lanie was looking over the fourth victim.

"Hey, girl. Come on in."

"You wanted to see me?" Beckett asked, sitting on an empty table.

"Yeah. First things first. Come look at this," Lanie said, beckoning Kate over to the body. She shined a black light over the girl's right hand. The letter x was illuminated back at them.

"What's that from?"

"I don't know. I didn't think anything of it, but then something told me to check the others. So I did."

Lanie pulled out three pictures from a manila folder, of each of the other victims' hands.

"A-l-e-x. So we're looking for an Alex?"

"Yeah, or something similar. I would look to see if any of his foster families had an Alex."

"I would if I could, but I'm probably getting kicked out," Kate told her friend, crossing her arms in annoyance.

"Why?" Lanie asked, disposing of her gloves and rinsing her hands.

"I'm not making satisfactory progress."

"It's a bizarre case. What does she expect?"

"Well, it's not only that. She thinks I'm kind of… lost without Castle."

"Are you?"

"No. I mean, you know. But I'm fine."

Lanie gave her a doubtful look. "Mhmm. So what happened last night?"

Kate sighed and shifted uncomfortably. "We had a fight, I guess."

"About what?"

Kate took a long breath, the thoughts of the previous night flooding her mind in a rush. "Well, we met for a drink. Then, I don't know, he told me he heard what I told him in the ambulance… oh."

"What did you tell him? What are you talking about?" Lanie pressed, joining Kate to sit beside her on the empty table.

"When he got shot. In the ambulance, I, uh, I said some things," Kate supplied.

"Things?"

"I told him I loved him," she admitted. "I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. I figured he didn't hear me," she said in small voice.

"Oh, sweetie," Lanie said, pulling the detective into a comforting hug. Kate normally didn't hug anyone, even her friends. Today she allowed the contact, letting her chin rest on her best friend's shoulder. Lanie let her go after a minute.

Kate took a breath and continued. "So, apparently he did hear, and he told me. Then we… almost had a moment, but Josh called."

Lanie was smiling wryly. "A moment?"

"What are you, six? We almost kissed."

A grin spread across the medical examiner's face. "I said almost. Don't get excited."

"Sorry. And then what happened that ended with you crying the night away?"

Kate narrowed her eyes. "I answered and told Josh I was on my way. I apologized to Castle but he freaked out on me."

"Rightly so."

"What?"

"Kate, honey, you've got him eating out of the palm of your hand. He'd move heaven and earth for you and you just can't see it. Can you imagine how hard it must be for him to watch you keep choosing Josh?"

"Lanie, I-"

"I can't tell you what exactly it is that you want, Kate. But I can tell you this: Castle's not going to stick around much longer while you figure it out."

**_Later that evening_**

The printer hummed as it ran off pictures of the murder board Beckett had forced Ryan to take for her. Kate sipped a cup of iced tea, tacking the copies up on her corkboard. She sat back in her favorite chair and studied it, forcing herself to come up with three plausible theories to go into work with the following morning. She would solve this case. And then she would deal with Castle. Tiredness tugged at the corners of her eyes. She gave in, closing her eyes for a few minutes. When she opened them again, the display on the cable box read eleven forty-five and someone was at the door.

Kate jumped up and hurried over to the door, figuring it was Castle. Josh's face greeted her through the peephole. She opened the door and let him in, trying to seem excited about his unexpected visit.

"Hi, Katie," he said, pulling her into an embrace.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

"Glad to see me, huh? Well, I came over because I have a question I've been wanting to ask you and I couldn't wait any longer."

_No. No. Oh, God, no. No, I will not marry you._ Kate stared at him in fear, waiting for him to whip out some flawless, brilliantly shining ring his doctor's salary allowed him to purchase.

"Want to move in with me?"

* * *

><p><em>The next chapter will bring the end of Josh, hang in there!<em>


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you all for your reviews! I'm really glad you're enjoying this. I'm having such a good time writing it!_

Chapter 5

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><p>The tension in Kate's apartment could have been cut with a knife. Josh was still waiting for her to answer completely. She'd managed to sputter out "I don't know what to say" and "wow, this is a lot to take in", but not a definite yes or no. He told her not to worry and just think about it while he cut up some watermelon. She was about to say tell him they needed to talk when the door buzzed again. She honestly didn't know who to expect this time. Perhaps Josh had arranged for a song and dance routine to accompany his request, or an order of a dozen red roses.<p>

The worried eyes that met her made her stomach sink. "Castle? What's wrong?"

"Kate, I didn't know who else-"

"Katie, who is it?" Josh asked from the kitchen.

Castle's mouth formed a tight line and he turned to leave. "I'm sorry. I didn't know he was here. I'll… I'll just call Ryan and Esposito."

Beckett grabbed his arm, pulling him back. He was trying to respect her space with Josh, which she found herself caring less and less about. "No, Castle, what's going on?"

"Lanie called me this afternoon to see if I could come up with any theories for you. She sent me the pictures. It's not an Alex. It's Alexis, Kate. Pre-law? Columbia? That's her in a month."

Kate stared at him in horror.

"He's after her to get back at me. I should have never… she was spending the day with Meredith. I sent them both to the Hamptons with a bodyguard. I don't know what to do next." Castle looked at her desperately, as if she could instantly make it better. She wished she could.

"What's going on?" Josh asked, appearing behind Beckett with perfectly cut slices of watermelon.

"Castle. I need to go to the precinct with him, right now. We'll talk later," Kate said, grabbing her keys off the hook and her wallet from the counter.

"No."

Kate turned back around. "What?" she demanded.

"No, not okay. You're always running off with him and leaving me waiting," Josh sneered, motioning towards Castle, who was waiting quietly for Kate in the doorway. Josh walked past Kate to talk to him directly. "Look, I get that she's your safety blanket. Your career would be nothing without her. You get off on those books you write about her. But your obsession with her is out of control, okay? She's not interested. You're interfering with our relationship and it's time to step down."

Castle stared at Josh, then looked to Kate. She felt two inches tall. He turned and began walking back down the hall. Kate could see that he was trying to handle the situation with as much dignity as he could muster. She didn't know how he could, when she wanted to hit Josh herself. She glared at him, staring helplessly after Castle. He reappeared, walking past Kate and putting himself face to face with the irritated doctor.

"I feel sorry for you," the writer told Josh simply. He turned to leave, stopping to give Kate such a raw look she thought she might burst. _I have to stop him._ She did the only reasonable thing. She threw herself in the doorway to prevent him from exiting the apartment, and then she turned her attention to Josh.

"Castle is my partner, Josh. He's a very big part of my life, and you need to accept that and apologize to him immediately. What you said was unacceptable, and completely untrue."

"No, you need to choose. I don't have time to invest in a relationship like this."

Kate unleashed her stare that she saved for the scum she interviewed in the interrogation room. The day any man thought he could give her an ultimatum about a relationship would be the day hell froze over. She didn't know why she had let this drag on so long. They weren't compatible at all, and she had almost destroyed the one relationship she really cared about in the process. She saw Castle looking at the floor, not trusting himself to look at her.

"Fine. Get out."

"Great. I wish you all the happiness in the world," Josh said, his words dripping with spiteful sarcasm. He bowed unceremoniously as he walked out the door. Castle and Beckett stared after him until he disappeared into the elevator.

Castle turned to her, looking as if he was preparing to make a long speech. "I'm sorry" was all he managed to produce.

She smiled sadly at him. "Not your fault. It was a long time coming. I'm sorry it ended like that."

He nodded. "It wasn't very amicable, but I'm sure if you talked to him-"

She shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I'm sorry because you had to listen to all that bullshit he threw at you."

Castle gave her the best smile he could manage. She smiled back and took his hand in her own, feeling the best she had in two days, despite the heavy cloud of reality that now hung over them.

**_Later at the precinct_**

"She needs to be somewhere unpredictable. He probably knows Castle has a house in the Hamptons. And he probably knows her mom lives in California," Ryan said.

"But if she's where he expects her to be, he won't bother checking because he'll know we know he'll check there," Esposito tried to explain, the early morning hours taking effect on him.

"Oh, brilliant suggestion. We might as well just leave her at Castle's using that logic," Ryan retorted.

"Okay, okay, settle down," Beckett demanded, rubbing her temples. "She's fine in the Hamptons until the morning. We've got a protective detail on her." Ryan and Esposito pouted like reprimanded school boys.

She turned to Castle. "Do you have any friends that have houses in remote areas?"

The author's brow furrowed as he thought. "Mother has friends with a cabin in Maine."

"We'll send her there. Tomorrow- well, later today, we'll leave a few officers around your house there in case he goes looking, and we'll get her up there on one of your private flights."

"What if he's watching when we move her?" Esposito pointed out.

"We'll disguise her as hired help or something and move her in a van."

A collective yawn spread around the group. "You guys can head home," Beckett told the other detectives. "I'll call you in when I need you."

"Thanks, boss," they chorused. A tiny smile tugged at her lips.

She looked to Castle, who was sitting across the table from her. "You're going to have to leave too, you know."

"What?" he asked her incredulously.

"Castle. There's a serial killer out there after your daughter to avenge you. You don't think he might _possibly_ consider just going after you if he can't have her?"

"I am not leaving. I don't care."

"Yeah, well, I do," Kate reminded him. "You're not safe here."

"I'll be fine. I'll hire security. I need to be here to help you catch him."

"Castle…"

"Can we discuss it after we take care of Alexis?"

She sighed. "Fine. But you can't stay at your place anymore. You'll have to stay a hotel or with a friend or something."

"A friend?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You can't stay with me either. He'll check my apartment, too," she reminded him sadly.

"What about my mother?"

"It would probably be best for her to leave, too. Not tonight, though," she added, seeing the apprehension skirt across his face.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You just said it yourself, he'll look for me with you."

"Castle, I'm _fine_."

A wave of displeasure crossed his features. "Fine. We can talk about that after, too."

A soft knock on the door pulled them both out of their thoughts. The captain let herself in, taking a seat beside Kate, who opened her mouth to protest.

"No, I'm not here to fight. Settle down, Katherine."

Kate sat quietly, shushed again by the sound of her first name.

Slater turned to Castle. "You know we'll do everything we can to stop him. I'm still not granting you permission to assist. But I'm learning it really doesn't matter what I tell the two of you to do."

Beckett had to smile at that.

"So, if you'd like, I won't object to you coming by the precinct. But absolutely nothing else. No following up on leads, no undercover work, no accompanying Detective Beckett into empty warehouses with no backup. Do you understand?"

Castle nodded. "Thank you."

The captain turned to Kate. "And you?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'll see you both later."

The two partners looked at each other once they were alone again.

"We should probably go. It's really late," Kate said after a minute. "I'll drive you home."

"Thanks," Castle earnestly, thanks evident in his eyes.

The ride was quiet and serious, their usual banter absent from the car. Kate could see how distraught Castle was. She felt terrible. And guilty. And selfish. If only she had sent him away earlier and told him "no" to toeing along the line between life and death with her. He never would have wound up pissing off Jerry Tyson and becoming his next target, having to lock is daughter up in some cabin in Maine just so she wouldn't get strangled during the night. He never would have become entangled in her mother's case, her killer still uncaught and a potential danger to them all. He never would have felt compelled to take a sniper's bullet for her. It was one thing for her to dedicate her life to her job. She needed the work to keep her feeling alive; she had long ago accepted it would kill her one day. He didn't have to. He had a loving family and comfortable, _safe _career that had been just fine before she'd come along. She would be at a loss without his intuition, but she had managed fine before. So why was it that she no longer wanted to do her job unless he was standing by her side?

She pulled up to Castle's apartment, killing the engine. He looked at her silently, his eyes filled with the same intensity of emotion she was feeling.

"You want to come up?" he asked her. She wasn't sure if he was asking out of courtesy or if he had other intentions.

She shook her head. "You need to pack and I should probably get home, too."

Castle nodded. "You're right, as usual. Thank you," he said after a moment, capturing her eyes with his own. It was a heavily loaded "thank you"; Castle was making it unperceivable to underestimate the depths of his gratitude. He was thanking her for being there for him. Above all, he was thanking her for _choosing _to be there for him.

A flood of warmth spread over Kate and seemed to settle down to the deepest parts of her, even into her bones. She reached up and ran her thumb along his cheek, the contact seeming to serve as physical proof of change in their dynamic. "Always."


	6. Chapter 6

_This chapter is a bit long, since I had to keep it together in order to move the plot in the right direction. I hope you enjoy it! As always, thanks so much to those who review. I really appreciate your feedback!_

Chapter 6

* * *

><p>Something dropped into Kate's hand and tickled her palm as she reached up to take her coffee from Castle. She recognized his footsteps and had automatically reached her hand out to take the styrofoam cup. However, instead of the warm beverage, she found that Castle had handed her the tiniest stem of sweet pea she'd ever seen. The three small flowers released a potent fragrance that danced around her face.<p>

"How did you…?"

"I have my ways," Castle responded, producing her coffee and placing it beside the flower. "I knew I'd be dead if I showed up with a bouquet," he told her, settling back into the chair beside her desk. She'd forgotten just how much she missed seeing him there until now.

Kate didn't know what to say. His thoughtfulness was almost too much. "Thanks, Castle."

He smiled back at her, but it was strained. His apprehension was impossible to miss. "So, we've worked out how to move Alexis. Ryan and Esposito head out about an hour ago."

"They're going to do it?"

"Yeah. I know you want to be there… but we just can't do that."

"When do I get to see her?" he asked anxiously.

Kate's heart squeezed. "You can't. It's too risky. As soon as she's there, you can call her from one of our phones, okay?"

"But that will be hours," he said, more to himself than to her.

"I know," Beckett responded, placing a comforting hand on his forearm. "I'm so sorry."

Castle's face hardened in acceptance. "Please tell me you've gotten closer to finding him."

"I think I may have." She pushed the papers spread out in front of her over to him. "Look at these phone records from a couple weeks ago. This number shows up twenty times," Kate said, pointing to it.

"What are you thinking? Accomplice?"

"Yeah. It's a no contract cell phone. The tech guys are checking to see if they can get a name."

"And if we find him-"

"He'll probably be some lowlife who's willing to talk if we promise to protect him from Tyson."

Castle nodded, taking in the information. "I hate this," he said after a minute of silence.

Beckett looked up from the phone records.

"If I'd stopped him before…"

"Hey. No one knew he was really him before. You figured it out when we did."

"But I was there. I should have fought harder."

"Castle, he would have killed you. You're lucky to be alive." She thought back on all the times he'd nearly died in the past year. That night in Tyson's motel room, the night in the freezer, the next day when they'd found the bomb, at Montgomery's funeral. All still fresh in her memory.

"What's the difference? He couldn't do it then, so he's doing it now. Through Alexis."

Beckett stifled at his words. He sounded so apathetic, so indifferent towards the subject of his death. He sounded like her, she realized. She bit her lip, unsure of what to say next. She hated seeing him like this. It wasn't the Richard Castle she had grown used to, and she didn't handle change well. "Castle, we're going to get him. I promise," she blurted out, instantly realizing the absurdity of her vow.

He looked at her carefully, visibly trying to force himself to fully believe her.

"Detective Beckett?"

"Yes?"

"We've got a name from the phone."

She looked to Castle and gave him a _See? I told you so_ look. The look he gave her in response was equally simple to decipher: _I hope you know what you're doing_.

**_Later that day_**

Slater was going to kill her, Beckett thought to herself as she banged her fist against the cheap wood of the apartment door in Chinatown. Ryan and Esposito weren't back yet, and she'd gotten a hit to the supposed accomplice's location. She didn't plan on just letting him slip away, so she'd gone after him herself. Castle had insisted on coming with her, but she refused. She'd settled on clipping a microphone to the collar of her shirt so he could send help if things didn't go according to plan.

"Are you going in now?" a concerned voice asked through the device, a bit fuzzy from the transmission.

"Castle," she hissed into her shirt as prepared to kick in the door. "I'm going to turn this off if you can't shut up."

"Sorry!" he whined. "Shutting up," he added a moment after, as if he could actually see the annoyance in her eyes.

Beckett shouted a final warning through the door before she took a step back and kicked it in. She called for Paul Bradford and was answered by silence. She checked all three rooms of the cramped and dirty studio apartment.

"Is he there?" Castle whispered through the microphone.

"It's empty. I'm gonna head out. Are you where I left you?"

"Haven't moved a muscle," Castle replied sarcastically. She was glad to hear he had little but of spunk back in him. She'd left him sitting on a bench in the park two streets over, a few feet away from police officers overseeing road construction, under the instructions to "use your girly scream" if anyone suspicious showed up.

Kate ran a hand through her hair and looked out the dirty glass of the kitchen window. "Okay, I'll be there in- hey!" she called out, seeing someone run out the door out of the corner of her eye. She dashed after him, seeing him hurry into a stairwell as she exited the apartment. The stairwell was tiny and cramped, much like the rest of the building. She squeezed past an elderly woman clutching the railing for dear life. Bradford seemed to be going all the way to the top.

"You're awfully quiet," she said into the microphone.

"I don't want to get punished later," he shot back. "Though spanking might be all right."

Kate cracked a smile as she pushed open the heavy door that lead to the roof, dodging vents as her heels drummed into the roofing. Bradford was losing steam, slowing down as his body protested his sustained sprint. Beckett easily advanced on him, hardly out of breath yet. He stopped when he reached the edge of the building, trapped between the drop off the roof and Kate, who had caught up to him and was reaching for her gun.

"Don't move!"

He moved. Or rather, jumped. Kate growled in frustration and peered over the edge of the roof, expecting him to be sprawled out on the awning of the restaurant below the apartments. Instead, she saw a small crowd of people forming around a spot on the sidewalk below.

"Beckett? What happened?"

"He jumped."

"He _what_?"

"He jumped, Castle. We lost it."

**_Later that evening_**

Beckett flipped through channels apathetically, desperately needing a mindless distraction from the day; a long shower hadn't helped in the slightest. The landlord of the apartment had confirmed their dead suspect was Bradford. He had only been there a month and paid the first rent payment in all cash, suggesting Tyson had been paying for it. She'd found out that he'd been arrested for possession of cocaine and had been in jail multiple times. He had nothing going for him, the perfect accessory to Tyson's killings. A disposable accomplice who would do anything for drug money and roof over his head and had nothing to lose if caught.

Her mind drifted to Castle. He was probably suffering from the confines of his own thoughts even more than she was. If only she had taken a better look around the apartment. She could have caught Bradford, alive, and gotten something out of him that would lead them to Tyson. She could only imagine what it felt like to know you might lose your child.

Her eyes drifted to her phone, sitting quietly on the coffee table. She had told Castle to go to his hotel and get some sleep after the incident with Bradford. She highly doubted he was obeying her instructions. He would probably appreciate her company, wouldn't he? She dialed his speed number. It immediately went to voicemail. _That's odd_. He rarely kept his phone off. She rummaged through her purse, trying to find the scrap of paper she'd written the number to his room on. She tried that too, but got no answer. She tried to ignore the seeping panic spreading through her veins. He was fine. He was at a modest hotel in Chelsea, relatively unknown and surrounded by undercover cops.

She found herself at the hotel ten minutes later, inquiring at the front desk.

"I'm sorry, but he definitely didn't leave, Ms. Beckett. Perhaps he just doesn't want to be disturbed," the unenthused receptionist told her at the front desk.

She decided to lay out all her cards. "Will you let me go up, then?" she asked, batting her eyelashes at him. "He loves to be surprised," she added with a wink.

The dull employee looked up at her. "I can't do that without his permission, and he won't answer the phone."

"Oh, please?"

He sighed. "And you're what, his girlfriend?"

"Something like that," she purred.

The lifeless receptionist sighed and dropped a keycard in her hand. "Have a ball."

She gave him a girlish giggle and hurried into the elevator. The ride to the fifth floor took a ridiculously long amount of time. By the time she slid the keycard into the door, she was almost shaking.

The room looked undisturbed. The bed was made and his laptop sat on the desk, along with an open notebook. The bathroom door was open and the lights were off. She sat on the bed. It was impossible. Tyson could not have possibly broken into the room and left with Castle without the staff or officers noticing. She was about to dial the precinct when the door swung open and Castle let out a girlish yelp, almost dropping the bottle of wine he was holding. She let out a sigh of relief.

"Beckett? What's going on?"

"Where were you?" she demanded.

"Downstairs in the gym… I figured a workout might help, but I changed my mind and decided alcohol would do. Did something happen to Alexis?" he asked anxiously.

"No. I, uh, I tried to call you and you didn't answer and I assumed the worst."

"My phone died," he said, pointing to it charging on the floor beside the bed.

"Oh." She felt beyond stupid. This case had officially gotten to her. She was homicide detective, for God's sake, and she hadn't noticed his phone charging?

He looked at her with worried eyes. "Hey. It's okay," he said, shutting the door and crossing the room.

"Castle, this case…"

"I know. Believe me, I know."

"I'm sorry."

"For caring?" he asked jokingly.

A small smile tugged on her lips.

"I'm just going to change, okay? Help yourself," he said, gently tossing the bottle of wine on bed beside her. She took off her shoes and deposited them neatly beside the bed and sat cross-legged. The central AC made the room a bit chilly, and Beckett almost forgot that it was August. Castle reappeared a few minutes later, clad in more casual attire than he wore around the precinct. Images of their trip to LA briefly flashed through her mind.

Castle sat down beside her, close enough to spark the energy between them, but far enough to respect her space.

"Will you stay tonight?" he asked nervously.

She nodded. "Of course."

He put his head in his hands and let out a deep sigh. Kate hesitated, and then placed a comforting hand on his cheek. He leaned into her touch, reveling in the contact. He made her feel so _exquisite_. She sensed that he needed someone to hold on to, and embraced him in a sort of awkward half-hug. He took full advantage of her gesture and rested his head on her shoulder.

"I can't stop worrying."

"She's okay. You talked to her before you left this afternoon."

"I know. It's just… she needs to be actually standing in front of me before I'll believe she's fine."

"I'm sorry I let Bradford get away. We could have had him if I'd gotten to him in time."

He sat up so he could look at her. "It wasn't your fault. The guy jumped off a building. He probably wouldn't have given up much if we questioned him anyway."

"I just wish there was more I could do for you."

"You being here helps. You care enough to do who knows what to get a keycard to my room," he told her, his eyes dark.

She blushed. "Yeah, well… of course I care. I know I don't do a good job of showing it, but I do."

He took her hand. "I know you do."

"I know I say this a lot, but thank you, for sticking with me."

"Hey, of course. Always," he smiled at her.

She didn't smile back. "Even through that stuff with Josh."

His features shifted, realizing they weren't discussing the platonic aspects of their relationship anymore. "You know that's an 'always', too."

"Maybe we should talk about something else," she suggested, suddenly not ready to face the floodgates she knew she'd opened.

"No. Now's a good time to talk about this. So… whether you like it or not, I love you, Katherine Beckett."

She stared at him.

Kate's head was spinning. He loved her. He _loved_ her, after seeing her at her absolute worst and after she'd treated him with such a lack of regard. He loved her and she was just sitting here next to him like some kind of emotional flyswatter, silently squishing what should have been a tender moment between them.

"I know I pushed you about the ambulance thing. It's okay."

"Castle."

"I guess I just wanted to believe it."

"Castle, I meant-"

"I needed some kind of explanation, you know."

"I said it meant it!"

He responded with a loaded stare.

"I've never been so scared in my life. I realized I had no idea what I would do if I lost you."

He started to reach for her. She stopped him, continuing to speak. "That's why this case has me so messed up, Castle. If something happens to you, I won't be able to live with myself," she said quietly, barely audible. A lump was forming in her throat. Castle was reaching for her and she met him halfway, clutching him to her. She held on to him tightly, finding that she needed someone to hold on to just as much as he did.


End file.
